


someone call (i don't know who i am at all)

by viccristak



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, more of a character study than anything else but you know, spoilers S2EP18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 05:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14635542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viccristak/pseuds/viccristak
Summary: Beau cannot stop thinking about her conversation with Caleb and everything else going on in her life.





	someone call (i don't know who i am at all)

**Author's Note:**

> just wanted to explore Beau's voice. title from rebecca roubion "don't know who i am". hope you enjoy!

After Caleb basically kicks her out of the room, Beau takes a deep breath. She allows herself a moment to lean on the door and close her eyes and just _breathe._ Or maybe closing her eyes was not a good idea, because all she can see behind her eyelids is Caleb setting his house on fire.

She opens her eyes again, beginning to walk back to the girls’ room and taking another deep breath to maintain some sort of composure.

She opens to the door to find Yasha, Fjord and Jester all seated on the floor. Fjord does not seem like he’s enjoying himself, but Jester is laughing and Yasha’s mouth is slightly curled upwards.

As soon as they hear the door open, they all turn to look at her.

“Finally!” says Jester. “You took so long,” she adds, stretching out the ‘o’.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Beau answers. “This place is expensive, but the service is totally not worth it.”

Fjord begins to look around, until his gaze finally settles on Beau. “Where’s Nott?”

“Oh, Caleb got another room so she’s crashing with him.”

The half-orc narrows his eyes at her. Beau was never that good at lying and if she could choose one person out of the group who knows her best by now, it would be Fjord, so she's not surprised to see he's picked up on her strange behavior. She clears her throat and averts his gaze.

“Well, uh, I’m gonna go outside. Need some air,” she says, and curses herself internally for stuttering.

Yasha shrugs and Jester nods, but Fjord immediately stands up and walks up to her.

“I’ll go with you.”

“Alright,” she agrees, faking nonchalance.

They walk outside in silence, the guard at the door giving them a brief nod of acknowledgement. Beau leads them into an alleyway to the side, seeking for some solitude. Fjord watches as she leans on the wall, closes her eyes and sighs.

Beau cannot stop thinking about Caleb’s face while telling his secret, cannot stop reliving the things she’d said to try and be comforting. She wishes she was better at that sort of thing; at words, at emotional conversations, at simple and basic human interaction. She has a feeling that everything that she had wanted to convey to him had been misinterpreted. She doesn’t blame him for kicking her out after. She _tried_ to tell him that she appreciates his efforts, that he makes the group stronger and better, but nothing ever comes out the way she wants it to.

There’s also the fact that she’d forced him to spill out the story. To be fair, she didn’t know it would be _that_ bad, but she supposes it’s still inconsiderate nonetheless.

Whatever. What’s done is done and after all, she is glad she has that piece of information. Caleb has Nott, and she knows the goblin will be by his side no matter what, but endless support can only help so much. Caleb needs to keep a level-head or revenge will take over and break him even more and Beau _will_ make sure she’s there to stop it from happening.

Gods, she’s so _angry._ Trent’s face flashes before her eyes and she wants to punch his stupid fucking grin off–

“Beau!”

She jumps, startled at hearing Fjord’s voice. She looks to her side to find the half-orc starting at her with a strange look on his face.

“Where the fuck did your mind go?”

“Sorry,” she says. “Just thinking.”

“No shit. About what?”

“Just… stuff.”

Fjord narrows his eyes at her.

“Is this about Yasha?”

“What?” says Beau, confused.

“Well,” explains Fjord, “we all saw how she’s been acting with Jester.”

 _Oh._ Beau suddenly remembers Yasha blushing earlier that day to one of Jester’s comments, and the barbarian giving her a post-fight side hug (because of course she noticed).

“Nah,” she says, and it’s a truthful answer. “It doesn’t bother me.”

The second part might not be so true, but she thinks there are other things to worry about. Fjord studies her face until she feels uncomfortable under the scrutiny and tells him as much.

“What? Stop that.”

Fjord holds his hands up. “Alright, alright.”

“I’m fine, man. But a goddamn war is going to happen tomorrow, just thinking about what that means for us.”

Fjord is silent for a while, until he finally relents. She knows he doesn’t truly believe her, though, but she’s thankful that he does not push her.

“Right,” he says. “That’s fair.”

“Let’s go back, huh?” Beau says, pointing back to the hotel. “The food’s probably arrived by now.”

She starts walking ahead when a hand on her arm stops her in her tracks. She turns to find Fjord looking at her more seriously than she’s ever seen him before. There’s real concern in his eyes and it scares her.

“If you need to talk, you know I’m here, right?”

Beau has to swallow the sudden lump forming in her throat due to Fjord’s words. She can tell he cares and it’s overwhelming.

“Yeah,” she manages to say. “I know.”

They walk back to the room and the heavy weight on her chest seems to have loosened a little.

****

Beau cannot sleep. She looks over the window of the room, a blank look on her eyes. The brief conversation with Fjord helped somewhat, but whenever she tries to lay down she can still see Caleb, surrounded by flames, anguish in his face.

She hates feeling powerless and it’s exactly how she feels right now. Part of herself wants to go to Caleb’s room and try to let him know that she thinks it’s not his fault, that he was a _victim_ and that she just doesn’t want anyone else to go through the same thing. Another part of herself to burn the Soltryce Academy to the ground. And another, deeper, part wants to not care and leave these group of strangers that she’s somehow become so fond of.

But she’s got a duty, doesn’t she? She promised herself to try and be better. If not for her new friends, the Cobalt Soul deserves at least some of her loyalty, doesn’t it?

She’s so deep in thought that she doesn’t notice any movement in the room until Yasha is standing next to her, looking out the window with her.

“Can’t sleep?” asks the barbarian.

“Yeah.”

The monk looks back out the window, thinking that Yasha is just going to go back to sleep in a moment. She’s surprised to hear her voice again.

“You know, uh, thanks for accompanying before to talk to those… wizards. Talking is not my forte.”

Beau looks up to her and offers her a small grin. “It’s not like I was doing any better, but no problem.”

Yasha’s mouth curls upward for a brief second until her expression turns serious once more.

“So… war.”

“Looks like it,” says Beau. “Against your people, no less,” she adds.

“They aren’t my people,” returns Yasha with a frown.

“Right. Still, tho.”

“Yeah.”

They both go quiet again. Yasha’s looking outside, but the monk turns to look at her face. She itches to know what she’s thinking. The barbarian is still sort of an enigma to her, but she is glad to see her seemingly warming up to the group.

“You’ve stayed with us for a while now,” says Beau, breaking the silence.

Yasha hums in acknowledgement.

“Planning to leave any time soon?”

The aasimar finally looks down to her at that. “I don’t know. It’s not something I plan.”

Beau raises an eyebrow. She hadn’t expected that answer.

“It’s not?” Yasha shakes her head. “Care to elaborate?”

“Just know that I’ll be around for a while still,” she answers, evading the question. “Is that a problem?” she adds, almost challenging Beau with her stare.

“Oh, not at all. I very much like having you around,” says Beau, a smirk forming on her face. “Especially during fights.”

Beau’s mind might be reeling with a thousand things at once, but she can still shamelessly flirt with Yasha. She’s pleased to see a blush forming on the barbarian’s cheeks.

“Well, uh, that’s good.”

“It’s going to be a wild ride.” At Yasha’s look, she adds: “wilder than it’s already been.”

Yasha shrugs. “It is what it is.”

“I’d like to have a drink or something, when we can, among all the future chaos,” suggests Beau. “You know, get to know each other better."

The smirk is back on the monk’s face and she, again, finds her reward on Yasha’s pink cheeks. The woman clears her throat.

“Sure.”

“Cool.”

They make more small talk afterwards, before exhaustion finally takes over. Beau's sleep is restless, but her conversations with Fjord and Yasha are a fond memory to wake up to.

She takes Caleb and Nott to the library the next day, as promised, and she’s not brave enough to confront Caleb so she decides to do what she’s good at: stay silent, keep an eye out for him and treat him no different than before.

When Nott asks her if to stay together is what she wants, she doesn’t hesitate to say that they make a good team. She doesn’t tell them, of course, but she truly wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at cobaltmonkbeau! any feedback is welcomed and encouraged (:


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